Saturday, May 8, 2010
Can't Hack It
What do you do if you just can't hack it? DH is only on a 24 hour staff duty but I am having the hardest time tonight. First of all, it makes me think about our first upcoming deployment and how it will be like this for over a year. Then there is my growing depression these last couple of weeks making it seem so much worse. I'm pretty anxious because it was only 3 days ago that I had to wake DH up to call an ambulance for me. What if it happens again and it's just me and Little Bit? What if an emergency comes up that doesn't warrant a 911 call but which keeps me from driving myself? Finally I'm kinda upset that we aren't getting to celebrate my birthday (for the third year in a row and he hasn't even deployed yet). Yeah, I know... welcome to the Army. That doesn't make it any easier though. I know I am lucky to have him stateside and only have to wait a few days to celebrate instead of months... but one day soon that won't be the case. I know I'll have to suck it up and deal with it because life without him is not an option... but it seems so overwhelming. I know I'm going to pick him up in the morning yet I still can't make myself eat. I probably won't sleep tonight because I am afraid of waking up with the pain again with no one to help me or calm me down. Is it just the depression making it seem so bad? What
if about when I get depressed while he is deployed. What do you do? How do you avoid the panic attacks? Should I move closer to my parents? I don't know anyone I can call when I am scared, panicked, or just need a break from a screaming baby. But on the other hand... my mom and I really rub each other the wrong way when we live together. I've thought about getting an apartment in their town but it wouldn't be where DH and I lived. It wouldn't hold any memories and he wouldn't even step foot in it. I just don't know what to do.